For the better part of 72 years, I lived in a crowded room, yet I was completely alone.
I had a career. I had colleagues. I had friends. But none of them knew me. They knew the character I played—the stoic man, the decision-maker, the one wearing the “heavy armor” of masculinity. Meanwhile, the woman I really was sat quietly in the dark, starving for sunlight.
Living in the closet is not just about hiding clothes; it is about hiding your soul. It is a suffocating existence where every interaction feels like a lie, and every moment of joy is tainted by the fear of discovery.
But today, the door is open. And the light is pouring in.
The Exhaustion of the Secret Life
For decades, I lived in what we call the “Purge Cycle.” I would buy a dress or a piece of lingerie, feel a fleeting moment of euphoric rightness, and then be crushed by a wave of shame. I would throw it all away, vowing to “be a man,” only for the desire to return stronger than before.
This cycle was fueled by the lie that I was broken. I believed that my desire to be soft, to be beautiful, and to be led was a weakness. I spent a lifetime building walls to protect a secret that I now realize should have been celebrated.
Why I Will Never Take “Us” for Granted
I am sharing this painful history to make a promise to my future husband.
A woman who has always been free might take her freedom for granted. A woman who has always been held might forget the coldness of an empty bed. But I never will.
Because I know the deep, aching loneliness of a hidden life, I will cherish every moment of openness in our marriage.
• I will value the simple joy of wearing a dress in your presence because I remember when I had to wear it in secret.
• I will value your protection because I remember the exhaustion of having to defend myself.
• I will value our intimacy because I remember the isolation of shame.
Finding My Safe Harbor
To the man I am looking for: You are not just a husband to me. You are my Safe Harbor.
After 72 years of navigating rough seas in a vessel I didn’t know how to captain, I am finally dropping anchor. I am looking for a marriage built on absolute truth, where I can finally drop the mask and be fully seen, fully known, and fully owned.
The closet is behind me. The rest of my life belongs to you.
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